In fact, a marriage that should end but is maintained for the sake of children does more harm than good. Maintaining a broken marriage just for the sake of children strains and wears out the parties. Stating that how children will be affected by divorce is completely related to how the parents manage this process, their ability to organize their lives and maintain their mental balance as soon as possible after the divorce, experts warn, "Children take their parents as a model and are also affected by their emotions."
Üsküdar University NPISTANBUL Hospital Specialist Clinical Psychologist Çiğdem Demirsoy said that a restless marriage wears out relationships, and a marriage that is maintained for the child harms family members.
Being together is not enough, peace is also a must!
Stating that not deciding to divorce for children will bring more harm than good, Demirsoy said, "Of course, the healthiest environment for children is a family environment where they are together with their parents, but it is not enough to be together physically, this environment must also be peaceful. If there is a broken relationship between spouses, if there is no communication, family life cannot be healthy. Human life is a very dynamic process. Daily life requires making decisions on many issues, taking action together and this requires close communication. When this communication is not established, even simple daily problems remain unresolved. Aside from the fact that problems remain unresolved and needs are not met, the family environment becomes restless and tense, and the marriage and family lose their functionality. Such an environment can be more harmful than beneficial for the child's mental development."
Tense environment prepares the ground for depression
Specialist Clinical Psychologist Çiğdem Demirsoy pointed out that it is not the right behavior to decide not to divorce for children and said the following: "In fact, a marriage that should end but continues only for the sake of the child will do more harm than good to the child. Being constantly exposed to a tense, stressful environment is detrimental to the physical and mental health of people, whether children or adults, and creates a basis for various diseases, especially depression. In order for spouses to carry out their parenting duties in a healthy way, they must first be mentally balanced themselves. Maintaining a broken marriage for the sake of the children is very difficult and exhausting. If there is no love, respect, trust and commitment in the relationship between the spouses, even if they are not physically and legally separated, an emotional separation has already taken place. In an environment where there is no love, closeness and commitment, even small problems grow and become unresolvable, there is constant tension, and at some point it will exhaust the endurance and lead to mental or physical illnesses.
It is the parent's responsibility to end the unhealthy trend
Being a parent is a role that requires taking responsibility and being self-sacrificing by putting the needs of the child first when necessary, but the responsibility for deciding whether the marriage should last or not belongs to the parents themselves and should not be placed on the children in any way. The child may want the marriage to continue and to see his/her parents together under any circumstances, and it is natural for him/her to feel sadness at the separation. The child may not have sufficient logical and emotional maturity in proportion to his/her age; he/she cannot and should not be expected to recognize what is unhealthy for him/her and to make the right choices for his/her future. If there is an unhealthy course, it is the parent's responsibility to see it and put an end to it."
Children can cope
Çiğdem Demirsoy stated that the children of divorced couples can also lead a happy life and said "Although the divorce of parents is a negative and undesirable situation for almost every child, it does not necessarily mean that it will cause deep wounds in every child and that the child will never be happy afterwards. How children will be affected by divorce is all about how their parents manage this process and how they can organize their lives and maintain their mental balance as soon as possible after the divorce. Children take their parents as models and are also affected by their emotions. If the mother or father is sad, scattered, anxious, disappointed, lonely, angry or angry after the divorce, this will be a source of unhappiness for the child. A child who sees his/her parents sad and unhappy thinks that this is something to be sad about and feels this way himself/herself. When he sees them adapting to their new lifestyle and being emotionally balanced, he will overcome negative emotions by modeling his parents, even if he feels sad at the beginning."
Demirsoy noted that the child needs to be able to maintain a bond with both parents and said, "The child should not be torn between his/her parents or be forced to choose one of them. If the parents are not hostile to each other, if they are able to communicate at a level that is necessary for their children, the child will be less affected by the separation."
It is useful to get expert help
Demirsoy stated that in order for couples who are considering divorce to provide emotional support to their children, they must first make themselves emotionally strong and be psychologically ready for this process, and said, "Divorce requires communication between the parties. If there is no communication between the spouses, if there are intense conflicts, divorce will also be troublesome. Because many decisions and arrangements need to be made on many issues. There are many issues that need to be discussed and reconciled such as separating the houses, sharing of belongings and savings, custody of children, who will live where after the divorce, the way and frequency of meeting with the children. If the communication between them or their individual psychological conditions are not able to handle this, it would be beneficial to seek the help of a specialist. If necessary, they should get psychological support individually, and if they can, if they can apply to a relationship and communication counselor for divorce together, it will provide support for both themselves and the psychological condition of the children, they will solve the difficulties during the divorce more easily and the adaptation process to the new lifestyle will be easier afterwards."
There are two wrong attitudes in second marriage
Stating that two erroneous attitudes are observed when one of the parents has a second marriage, Demirsoy said, "The child may have difficulty sharing his/her mother or father with another person, may see accepting the stepparent and establishing a relationship with him/her as breaking the bond with his/her birth parents, or may have concerns that his/her parents will perceive this and resent him/her. In general, there are two faulty attitudes: either there is too much haste and pressure for acceptance or there is too much sensitivity so that the child does not get upset. Either way, it is challenging for both the child and the adult in the stepparent role, and the relationship cannot develop naturally and becomes stagnant. It is important to give the child time to accept this new situation and not to put pressure on them. It is also a wrong attitude to show special care, to be too hard on the child so that he/she does not get upset, such an approach gives the child the message that there is a situation to be upset and makes it difficult for him/her to accept it."
