Stating that traumas, injustices, failures and disappointments experienced in the past turn into a heavy burden on the person if they are not resolved, psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Each trauma is like a sack on the back of the person. If we succeed in resolving them, we get rid of that burden from our sack." Stating that forgiveness is an effective method to lighten the sack, Tarhan advised, "The whole work here is to think solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented, to focus on the positive rather than the negative."
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Üsküdar University Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that forgiveness cleanses the person from emotional burdens. "We think of not forgiving as carrying a sack on your back," said Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan:
"A person has been wronged in the past, has experienced a trauma, has experienced a shock, is very angry with someone. This feeling of anger arouses anger, depressive mood and on the other hand, it arouses complaining. You see, there are people in the environment who are always complaining, always complaining, and when we look into their past, there are unresolved traumas. Each trauma is like a sack on a person's back. Just as this sack restricts our range of motion, prevents us from walking, reduces our performance, it also affects our mental performance and emotional performance. It is important to resolve the traumas that we have not forgiven or cannot resolve, or rather, it is not necessary to forgive but to resolve the traumas. Unresolved traumas, injustices, shock experiences in relationships between people, disappointments affect us. If we succeed in resolving these, we throw that burden out of our sack and our burden becomes lighter, we relax and our field of action expands."
Acceptance is necessary before forgiveness
Stating that people with angry temperaments, who are tense and never relax, always have such burdens in their mental world, Prof. Tarhan said, "These people cannot be comfortable because of these burdens, they cannot go to a goal. Something is needed here before forgiveness. It is necessary to accept, to accept the truth. In other words, the first step before forgiveness is to accept the facts. In some cases you may not be able to forgive, but you can accept the facts. For example, there is infidelity, how can you forgive? In such unforgivable situations, when the person accepts, the following reasoning works: If there is a solution, I will do what is necessary, it is not worth getting upset. If there is no solution, even if I am sorry, it is still not worth being sorry because the result will not change. Because even if you get upset, the result will not change, you are eating yourself up, and you keep carrying such a burden on your back."
Think about your feelings
Stating that anger is the first emotion that a person feels when he thinks he has been wronged, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, "For example, someone has done you an injustice or the boss has made you look bad in front of everyone, in such a situation, you should first think about your feelings instead of getting angry and leaving the job or thinking about filing a lawsuit. The emotion we feel in such situations is usually anger. If a person thinks about which of his/her principles, principles and rules have been damaged; if he/she analyzes what percentage of the incident was caused by me and what percentage was caused by the other party, and if he/she produces thoughts about his/her feelings, he/she will take a step forward. After generating thoughts, he/she also thinks about possible solutions. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and decides on one of these solutions and does not look back anymore. If the person does this, they have developed a problem-solving style. If the situation seems unchangeable, if there is resentment and injustice, it is pointless and useless to ask questions such as "Why did you do that?" and to push the person. It is a requirement of reason for the person to be accepting. If the person forgives that person after acceptance, he/she gives 2 gifts to the person he/she forgives, and he/she gains 4 gifts."
Honor is not protected by feelings, it is protected by reason
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the person wants to protect his/her honor at the moment of anger and said, "Our pride is damaged, but we cannot protect our pride with our feelings, we protect it with reason. In such situations, it is not a wise move to say 'My honor is broken, I am embarrassed in front of everyone, I cannot forgive this, so I resign'. In such a situation, 'My honor is broken, why is it broken? What are my strengths, what are my weaknesses?' One should do a SWOT Analysis. He/she should ask himself/herself why this situation happened and whether he/she should confront the person who dishonored him/her."
Good cooperation is a 21st century value
Emphasizing that forgiveness is a virtue, Prof. Tarhan said, "Forgiveness is a virtue and it is not easy to do. The person who forgives performs two actions and actually says to the other party, 'I waive my right for you, I am not actually your enemy.
There is a conflict between us and the other party, there are many such situations in the workplace, in such cases, if a person forgives a wrong done, he gives a gift saying 'I am not your enemy'. The second one says, 'I gave up my rights for you'. Instead of a sense of defense on the other side, a sense of guilt and regret awakens. He says, 'I did this injustice to this person, but this person was superior again, showed virtue and forgave me'. If he is malicious, he feels uncomfortable, if he is good, trust is built. This increases love, increases respect, increases trust and reduces fear in the relationship. And this is a 21st century value, to cooperate well. Being able to cooperate well is the greatest capital of this age, social capital. People who can cooperate well will be able to progress in this age, so there are no heroic entrepreneurships alone."
Feeling regret is an achievement
Stating that the feeling of regret shows that the person can make self-criticism and question himself/herself, Tarhan said, "This is a 50% advantage for the person. Being able to feel regret is a virtue. Some people make the same mistake and feel no regret, feeling regret is a 50% gain for a person, it means that they will improve. In such cases one has to take the second step, if one accepts it and carries it all the time it becomes a burden. In such situations it is necessary to produce thoughts after feelings, some people confuse their feelings with their thoughts. Our feelings are regret. We need to ask, 'Why did I do this thing called regret? What did this event teach me?
"As a culture, we embalm traumas and continue them at home"
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that one should be solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented and said, "The problem is obvious, the feeling of regret. I broke someone's heart, I made a mistake, I missed an exam. In this case, you should ask 'What did this teach me? In life, failures are very important because failures are generous but success is not, success teaches one thing but failure teaches many things. When we look at life, the person who has made progress is the person who can learn from his mistakes. There is such a hidden law in life that difficulties bring success, there is no success in comfort, potential always emerges in pressurized environments, potential does not emerge in comfortable and relaxed environments. The pressure brings out the potential, so we need to focus on how to turn regret into achievement. 'This taught me this'. They should even write it down, not live it over and over again in their minds. When you think about it over and over again, you relive what happened 10 years ago as if it happened yesterday. People are right not to forget these events, but you have to come up with a logical solution and change the subject. If you cannot do this, it will continue as a burden in your brain. As a culture, we mummify traumas and continue them at home, whereas we need to miniaturize them and continue our lives."
Let's learn from the negative
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan listed his recommendations on forgiveness as follows "The whole work here is to think solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented, to focus on the positive rather than the negative. Let's learn from the negative, but let's focus on the positive and be happy with small things. It is also very important not only what we do but also how we do it. In order to communicate with other people in a healthy way, we must first communicate with ourselves."
