Marital conflict is one of the most disturbing problems in human life. Every marriage has some problems, but sometimes the problems can lead to deep frustration and questioning the continuation of the marriage. However, it is possible to stop this negative trend. Although couples can sometimes achieve this through their own efforts and by developing problem-solving skills, professional help is often required and marriage therapy is needed.
At what point should a therapist be consulted?
No marriage is perfect. Almost every couple may need help from time to time throughout their marriage. It is not necessarily necessary to be in a troubled marriage to seek marriage therapy. It is not yet common in our country, but many couples in solid marriages abroad seek marriage counseling or participate in relationship development programs in order to improve their relationship or to prevent problems that may arise.
Conflict marriages are different from the ups and downs of most people's married life. In troubled marriages, disappointment in the relationship does not just come and go, it is not an occasional feeling, it is persistent and people feel deeply dissatisfied with their marriage. In such marriages there are frequent and increasingly violent fights. Fights do not lead to a solution, they only create a feeling of exhaustion. But the relationship in troubled marriages is not always a quarrelsome one. In some marriages there is no fighting, but the relationship is not of high quality, the spouses are completely disconnected from each other; they stop doing things for each other and stop communicating completely, and things start to get worse in married life.
Frequent arguments that are not resolved, loss of positive emotions, loss of friendship, sex and vitality are signs of a troubled marriage. If there is neglect, withdrawal, violence and a complete lack of connection, the marriage is in serious trouble and the risk of divorce is high. It is not necessary to be officially married to talk about marital conflict. Marriage therapy may also be needed in serious long-term relationships with such problems.
What kind of problems in marriage require therapy?
Problems in marriage often arise in areas such as communication, problem solving, arguments, emotional intimacy and sexuality.
Communication conflicts usually arise in the relationships of people who have not fully grasped the requirements of being married, who have not learned how to communicate in a healthy way and how to provide cooperation and support. In such people, the relationship may go well for a while in the early romantic stages of the relationship. However, if couples are not prepared for the long-term tasks in marriage, problems begin to arise after a while. Studies of couples show that the risk of marital disharmony and separation is higher in the early stages of marriage. However, conflicts also increase after the couple has children, and after the children reach adolescence or leave home.
Sometimes marital problems are a direct result of individual problems (e.g. alcohol and substance abuse) and the marriage may even seem to be going well. In such cases, a single traumatic event can be enough to stress the marriage. For example, a couple with a solid marriage may be able to overcome a traumatic event such as an extramarital affair, whereas the outcome may be more negative for couples who live with ongoing problems in a covert manner.
Marriage therapy is also necessary in the treatment of sexual problems. Because sexuality and other parts of marriage are interrelated. Sometimes marital problems affect sexual life, while sometimes sexual problems affect the whole marriage. Research shows that sexual dysfunctions and marital problems are often, but not always, seen together. In sexuality, there is a relationship between two people, only in this relationship, unlike in daily communication, emotions are expressed not only verbally but also with the body, so a problem in this area cannot be solved without communication. Even if the sexual problem of the spouses is a problem independent of other areas of the marriage, there needs to be harmony and cooperation between them in solving the problem, and this communication can be achieved through marital therapy.
Marriage therapies can also be utilized in the treatment of children's problems. Unrest and tensions between spouses directly affect children. Therefore, in order to treat a psychological or psychiatric problem in children, the problems in the parents' marriage must be eliminated. Research shows that children exposed to conflict between parents have more behavioral problems and emotional problems. Harmony and disharmony in the family affect not only the internal life of children but also their social relationships. Children look up to their parents as role models in communication and problem solving. Therefore, in order to make children healthy, it is necessary to make the marriage healthy. Even if the child's problem develops independently of the parents' marital relationship, the parents need to act together in the treatment process and this requires a good relationship and cooperation, which is where marital therapy can be helpful.
Consequences of a troubled marriage
A stressful marriage has a very negative impact on both parties. It leads to problems such as pain, suffering, anxiety, high levels of tension and depression. If it persists, there are studies showing that it also has a negative impact on physical health. The impact on the family is also profound, especially when conflict is high. Children who grow up in high conflict marriages have been shown to have more problems than other children.
When a marriage reaches an impasse, if no action is taken, it can become like dominoes falling, bringing the marriage to the point of dissolution. For this reason, it is necessary to identify and solve the problem without waiting for the problems to grow and become unsolvable.
What is marriage therapy?
There are effective treatment methods for marital problems. Couples can make their marriages satisfying again if they decide to work on their relationship and put enough effort into it.
No one starts a marriage as a perfect partner. Marriage requires certain skills such as understanding oneself, understanding one's partner, knowing how to argue (fight well), problem solving and accepting differences. Sometimes ineffective, negative behavior patterns in the family we grew up in can be carried into the relationship, and sometimes normal difficulties in life can make it difficult to maintain a happy marriage.
In a sense, what is done in marriage therapy is learning to communicate. It helps to build skills such as problem solving and learning how to fight without hurting too much, and to rebuild the relationship.
Marriage therapy aims to help spouses learn to see each other as human beings. It is tried to ensure that they learn to understand each other's personality traits and learn to reconcile the differences that can be reconciled and accept the aspects that cannot be reconciled.
There may be ongoing problem areas between the spouses and certain issues where the discussions intensify. The aim of marital therapy is to help spouses become able to talk about these issues and find solutions. The therapy process keeps the spouses on a course of progress even as they struggle with difficult problems and prevents the relationship from reaching a dead end.
How is marriage therapy practiced?
There are many types of couple therapy. Some increase skills and practice. Some focus more on the past and look at how things got to be the way they are. Others combine the two.
In Marriage therapies practiced in our clinics within NPGrup, regardless of the reasons why couples seek therapy, their marriages are first evaluated in all aspects. During the evaluation process, both parties are asked to define the problem and the history of the problem from their own perspective by conducting joint and separate interviews. Each of them is asked for their suggestions and thoughts on the solution and their expectations from the therapy are determined. In this process, psychometric tests are administered to both spouses to understand the reflection of their personality traits on the marriage, and some scales are used to determine the type and severity of problems in the marriage. In joint sessions, the communication style of the spouses and the interaction between them are observed, and it is checked whether what they say to each other is heard with the same meaning.
In order to bring about change in the relationship during therapy, the therapist may give homework to be practiced from one session to the next. There are several benefits of practicing these homework assignments. On the one hand, the partners see that the problems they are experiencing can be controlled. On the other hand, it is important for them to see that the solutions and the real permanent changes do not come from outside themselves, that it is not about the methods applied by the therapy/therapist, but about the changes they make in their own behaviors, and it is important in terms of increasing the sense of trust in their lives.
The duration of the therapy may vary according to the type and intensity of the problem and the speed of change. The number of sessions is determined according to the developments. The intervals are organized by taking into account that the topics covered in the sessions should be long enough to allow for the transition to life, but short enough not to allow old habits to continue. In the beginning, the sessions are generally started once a week, and as progress is made, the therapy is terminated by opening the intervals and diluting them towards the end to make sure that the change continues with the efforts of the individuals themselves.
If you have marital problems, seek couples therapy!
Starting marriage therapy is not easy. It is difficult for most people to share the problems of a very private life, such as marriage, with a stranger, and the idea of discussing problems in front of a therapist may be unpleasant. Couples have tried and failed to solve problems on their own, and conversations often turn into unresolved fights, so there is a fear that this will also happen in therapy. However, in the therapy process, even if the problems are discussed in front of the therapist as a third person, the fight is unlikely to escalate, because the therapist intervenes in the situation and with appropriate guidance, couples gradually learn problem-solving conversation and effective communication principles. Because they learn to talk and discuss problem-solving, there are no blockages in communication that occur when they are on their own, and even if it is difficult at first, there is gradual progress.
What should you do if your partner does not want to go to therapy?
Marriage therapy progresses much better when it starts with a joint decision of the spouses such as "there is a problem in our relationship, what can we do to fix it". Because in such a beginning, a significant part of the problem has already been overcome. Even if the problem and its solution are not known, both parties are aware that there is a problem and they are willing to change. Being able to come to a joint decision shows that there is a certain level of communication between the couple. Unfortunately, such a start is not always possible.
Some people find it difficult to ask for help with their problems because of social conditioning or their personality structure. Sometimes, as a result of conflict in the relationship, one partner refuses to come to therapy. A common mistake is to suggest counseling during a fight or at a time when the problem is most intense, when the negative emotions have not yet subsided. Suggesting counseling at the wrong time delays or prevents counseling altogether. When one of the spouses suggests going to a psychologist during a fight, the other party often perceives this as a criticism or an accusation of being a "sick person" or "you are the problem" and becomes defensive.
If your partner does not accept the suggestion to go to therapy, it is a good idea to try to understand why and repeat the suggestion after some time has passed. It is better to have the conversation in a more appropriate environment when you are calm, to be careful not to use accusatory and critical expressions, to explain that we do not see the problem only in the other person, that we also have a role in the conflict and that we are ready to take our own responsibility for change, and to try to speak in a way that will relax the other person and attract cooperation.
If, despite all your efforts and encouragement, your partner refuses to go to therapy, you can start doing something on your own. Of course, it is difficult to fix a problematic marriage on your own, but at least by talking to a marriage or family therapist, you can see your own role in the problems in the relationship, you can be informed about what you can do to resolve the conflict and improve the relationship, how to approach your spouse, and maybe you can succeed in convincing him/her to go to therapy with the support and guidance of the therapist. Sometimes, when one of the spouses starts to receive counseling and achieves an improvement in the relationship with the changes he/she has made in himself/herself, this time his/her spouse sees this improvement in their marriage and begins to trust the psychotherapy process and may later agree to participate in the process.
