Stating that traumatic events such as neglect and abuse during childhood can have significant effects on the future life of the child, psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that parents should definitely show love to the child.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in cases where love is not shown to the child, the child will feel worthless and said, "If you do not value the child, if you do not share with the child, the child feels worthless. A child with low self-esteem grows up and becomes a candidate for mental illnesses in the future."
Stating that November 20 was declared Children's Rights Day by the United Nations decision in 1989, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "The Declaration of the Rights of the Child was announced. Why did we need to talk about children's rights here? One of the problems brought about by globalization is the cruelty and injustice done to children without them being aware of it. Some parents may see their children not as children but as objects. Some parents perceive cruelty and injustice as a right for themselves. When such examples multiply, Children's Rights Day is declared."
Both starving and not loving the child are negligence
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that traumas experienced in childhood bring important reasons such as lack of self-confidence in the future. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that as a result of the childhood trauma scale they applied to the clients who applied to them, childhood trauma was revealed in 80-90% of the patients. Tarhan said the following:
"There are equivalent main criteria in the childhood trauma scale. For example, there is physical abuse. Beating with a stick or belt is physical abuse. There is physical neglect, for example starving the child. Not taking care of the child is physical neglect. There is no abuse, no beating, no violence, but when you leave the child hungry, the child comes home and is left at the door. In this case, physical neglect occurs. It can also be emotional abuse. In other words, telling the child 'If you don't do what I say, I won't love you' is emotional abuse. If an older person says, 'No one loved me in my childhood, I grew up unloved', they have been subjected to emotional neglect. Just as we need food, drink and protein, we also need love and respect. Loving, valuing and sharing is one of the biggest duties of parents. If you don't show your love to your child, if you don't value them, if you don't share with them, the child feels worthless. A child grows up with low self-esteem and becomes a candidate for mental illness in the future. These are considered childhood traumas."
The child should be shown and made to feel love
Stating that love for the child must be told and shown, Tarhan said,
"Sometimes we hear some people say, 'I don't remember my father ever taking me on his lap, he never sat me on his lap'. If a person thinks like this, there is emotional neglect here. When we look at the life of the Prophet Muhammad, he expressed his feelings openly. For example, the literature says to tell the person you love that you love them. It is not a skill to hide love. This is a wrong ground created by our traditions. We also think it comes from Islam, but it has nothing to do with it. It is not in the Islamic tradition to use violence, to beat a child or to use violence in any incident."
The child is in need of protection
Stating that child neglect and abuse are very high in cultures that approve violence, Tarhan said, "The child needs protection until he/she becomes an adult. The mother and father are obliged to protect his rights." Stating that children are nowadays aware of their rights, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also pointed out the importance of parents acting in an exemplary manner while raising their children.
A good example should be set for the child
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that it is also important to value the child and to make the child feel this and said, "Certainly, valuing the child enables the child to know himself/herself correctly. Self-confidence is formed. Self-confidence and self-esteem are always confused. Self-esteem is seeing things that you don't have as if you have them, but with self-confidence, you manage to face your flaws. It is being able to see your shortcomings and flaws and still move forward in life with pleasure and energy. Trying to do something in a positive way requires self-confidence. Children learn this from mom, dad and the environment. In order for them to learn this, we need to set a good example for them. Therefore, what is more important than giving advice to our children is to set the right example for them. Parents should be role models for their children. If we are raising a child who neglects children's rights, oppresses them, oppresses animals, the fault here lies with the parents."
Balanced attitude is important in raising children
Emphasizing the importance of balanced attitudes in raising children, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Sometimes we do some things without realizing it. For example, when giving something to the child, making the child beg for it means neglecting the child, or pressuring and frightening the child is also a kind of neglect. Of course, it is also wrong to do everything the child wants, to say yes to everything they say. Then it becomes a child-masculine family. The child is raised as the little ruler of the house. This is sliding to the other extreme in child rights," he warned.
They have responsibilities as well as rights
Stating that children have responsibilities as well as rights, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "We need to explain this to the child. 'Yes, you have rights, but you also have responsibilities in this house. They need to learn the balance between rights and responsibilities, freedom and responsibility. In other words, 'you have to do something in this house. For example, you have to study for this many hours, you have to help your parents during the summer vacations'. But it is important to do this by offering options to the child, not by giving orders in an imperious manner."
Until the age of 10, budget management should be taught
Emphasizing that children should also be taught to manage their budget, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Children should learn budget management by the age of 10. They need to learn financial literacy. They need to learn what to spend and where to spend it. Sometimes parents give allowance to the child like a bribe. If he does what they say, they give it, if not, they don't. This creates a begging child model. This child becomes a child who always wants to take. However, the child needs to be taught resource management. The child should be given a weekly allowance. It is not right to give daily. If he spends it in one day, no more money will be given to him, and if he saves it, it is his money and he will not be interfered with. He has saved his money and wants to go somewhere on the weekend, he should be left free."
Every house should have rules
Pointing out the importance of having rules at home and following those rules, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Every house should have a rule. We need to make the house a rule-based environment. The parent style that allows everything makes that child selfish in the future. It raises an identity that never gives and always takes. The worst part of selfishness is that it isolates the person," he said.
Noting that lessons should be learned from the negative life events experienced, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Sometimes trauma can also cause the development of that person. Covid trauma, for example, can improve that person's spiritual well-being. Or a disease that occurs in a family causes an increase in psychological maturity and psychosocial maturity in terms of spirituality. Each of these life events is a teacher. It is a lesson and it is important to be able to learn this lesson. Therefore, let's not see life events that suddenly appear before us as enemies. Of course, we need to take precautions against events such as earthquakes, but sometimes we cannot avoid some things even if we take precautions. If we do the same with life events, we will not be left with childhood traumas. We can turn them into achievements. It is necessary to think that I have experienced such a thing, but I should have experienced it."
The child's behavior and efforts should be loved
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan warned, "When loving a child, let's love the child's behavior and efforts, not his/her personality." "For example, the child tidied his/her room, helped his/her mother. These are opportunities to show love to the child. It is an opportunity to use love languages. When you use these opportunities well, love becomes a reward. Love becomes a love that develops behavior. Of course, we will love because we have a child, but if we are content with this, the child cannot learn to develop behavior. We need to say, 'I love you, but you have responsibilities too. When you say, 'If you help me, I will love you more, I will be happier', the child learns to manage love. Especially when rewarding the child, it is necessary to reward behavior and efforts. Saying yes to everything is the biggest evil to be done to a child."
