Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that backbiting or gossip, which is also defined as "telling someone's shame behind their back or speaking against them" weakens social ties and leads to communication accidents, and pointed out that empathic backbiting, that is, speaking positively in someone's absence, strengthens relationships. Stating that human beings are coded to share their feelings, to communicate and to be part of a social fabric, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Sharing by talking is a requirement of our biological nature. It is a separate situation to use this situation in a good or bad way."
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Üsküdar University Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan evaluated the effects of backbiting on human psychology and social relations.
Stating that the concept of backbiting is a concept that takes place in our culture and is emphasized in our belief system, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "The word backbiting comes from the word in absentia, that is, to speak in someone's absence. There is a religiously evaluated backbiting and there is a psychological evaluation of backbiting."
Empathic backbiting has positive effects
In terms of psychology, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that there is empathic backbiting and non-empathic backbiting and said, "In empathic backbiting, if the person you are talking about is not disturbed when they hear what you say, if they are pleased, if they approve, it is not backbiting. For example, you tell someone else about a good deed done by a friend. This is talking in absentia, it does not bother the person when they hear it."
Empathic backbiting increases feelings of friendship
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that backbiting, which is empathic, is a situation that has no moral responsibility and at the same time affects human psychology positively, not negatively:
"We come across this a lot in family problems. We have close relationships and experiences scales that we apply in psychology. While investigating close relationships and experiences, it is very important what the person says about other people. Because we see that the most important conflicts in close relationships are related to the misunderstanding of words. For example, in the daughter-in-law-mother-in-law issue, if the daughter-in-law talks about the good and positive sides of her mother-in-law, when this reaches the ears of the mother-in-law, warm and affectionate feelings will arise towards her daughter-in-law. And vice versa, if the mother-in-law speaks positively about her daughter-in-law, the same will be true. This increases feelings of friendship and warmth."
Backbiting weakens social ties
"Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "If what is said is true, it is backbiting, if it is not, it is slander. Talking about someone that one does not like negatively affects human psychology, weakens social ties and causes communication accidents."
Why do we love backbiting?
Stating that human beings are genetically coded not to live alone and to be part of a social fabric, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that it is human nature to communicate and speak and said, "There are evolutionary psychological studies on how humans learn to speak. In these studies, it has been seen that human learning to speak is related to the urge to talk about others. In other words, genetically, humans have a tendency to share a subject by talking to someone. We have genetic codes related to the demand to talk. In order to meet this, people have produced words and language according to their own culture. This is how literary texts emerged in human history. The first written and legal texts emerged in this way. Because humans were created as social beings. Human beings are not genetically coded to live alone, they are coded to be part of a social fabric."
The nuclear family concept pushes people to loneliness
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that one of the features that distinguish animals from humans is socialization and made the following evaluations:
"When we examine the lives of lions and wolves, one generation is together. They become mother-son-siblings, and when there is a third generation, they move away. Darwin even observed this and came up with the idea that the nuclear family is necessary. Sociologists accepted this and the nuclear family thesis emerged. The nuclear family is what is currently plaguing the West and humanity. When we say nuclear family, we mean 'The ideal family is the nuclear family, there is no need for a large family. There is no need to take care of grandparents' approach has pushed Western culture into loneliness. Suicides in old age have increased. For example, the UK is about to establish a Ministry of Loneliness. 8.5 million Britons live alone at home. The reason for such situations is the misunderstanding of Darwin's thesis, which weakened social bonds. Maybe this is the case with lions and wolves, because they live in packs and cannot be like humans. Experiments are being done on monkeys. Can we make monkeys into a society or a conglomerate, that we can create a structure by generating ideas among them. But they don't have the genetic code to produce words, humans have this trait. Therefore, the desire to speak activates the reward-punishment mechanism in the brain. People feel pleasure when they speak. When people hear words of appreciation and praise, when they sit with someone and establish a warm relationship, the brain releases the hormone happiness. People like this situation. When everyone sits together and a topic that is of interest to everyone and that they can enjoy talking about is brought up, everyone participates in it."
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It is our biological nature to share by talking
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the ability to speak is one of the biological tendencies of human beings such as eating, drinking and reproduction and said, "Sharing by talking is a requirement of our biological nature. Of course, it is a different situation to use this situation in a good or bad way. If we use it within ethical limits, this is the need for us to talk, to share, to relieve loneliness. Our need to relieve loneliness pushes us to talk. The need to relieve loneliness is also in the female brain the most. The male brain and the female brain are different in this sense. The male brain has a mental refuge under stress, it retreats there. It relieves its stress not by talking but by thinking result-oriented. The female brain, on the other hand, tries to reduce its stress by talking and sharing under biological stress. Therefore, it feels the need to talk."
Speech is an impulse but should be supported by culture
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that a mother should talk to her child in order to mother her child and said, "The child learns to produce words at the age of 4. If the child is not in a spoken environment, they cannot learn to speak. There are wild children found in the forest during the Second World War, over 50 of them have been included in the literature. If these children grew up around animals before the age of 4, they cannot learn to speak when they grow up again. Learning to speak exists as an impulse, but it needs to be nurtured as a culture. If this is rewarded, speech continues."
Women are more advantageous in speech
Stating that women are superior and more skillful than men in speaking, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Men push themselves 2-3 times more than women to be an orator. Women have an advantage in this regard, but if they manage it well, it keeps the family together. Their unifying and embracing identity emerges. That's why the saying 'the female bird makes the family' was not said for nothing. This situation is related to women's communication skills. When it comes to verbal communication, it is understood as words that are always spoken. The words we choose, the sub-threshold emphases, the way we say things, all of these become more important than the spoken words of communication. Women have an advantage in this regard, but they will have an advantage if they use it positively as a feature. If they use it negatively, it causes communication accidents."
Stop-think-talk is important
Stating that the skill of not backbiting should be acquired in order to stay away from backbiting, Tarhan said, "Backbiting, whether in the family or in society, can cause problems. A small word or behavior can lead to big problems. We should not forget that the words we say are like a spiritual bullet. If we do not speak in a correct and beautiful way, we can experience the consequences of this in a bad way. That is why we say stop-think-speak. The moment we don't do this, we can break the hearts we love the most and cause problems within the family. There is a very beautiful saying in the Bektashi faith; 'Keep your hand, waist and tongue'. This culture is embedded in the culture of wisdom in Anatolia. If people could control their hands, waist and tongue, you can be sure that half of the prisons would be empty."
