Stating that love and logic should coexist in a balanced way in the family institution, which is the cornerstone of society, psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that there must be a relationship between emotion and love. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Imagine an automobile. This automobile has an engine and a steering wheel. The steering wheel directs where to go and the engine gives energy. The engine is love. The steering wheel is emotion. The two must complement each other," he warned.
Üsküdar University Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out the importance of spouse selection in the healthy functioning of the family, the cornerstone of society.
Emotion is needed to overcome crises
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the ideal form of marriage is the model in which both love and logic marriages are together and said, "The right thing here is actually the marriages that are both together. It is not for nothing that our ancestors said, 'Love is blind without mothers-in-law'. Love is blind. After a while in marriage, when the realities of life are faced, love evaporates. When it is only a marriage of logic, the following situation may arise; marriage is such an institution that marriage cannot work by making profit and loss analyzes and calculations. It falls apart in the first crisis. We need emotion to overcome crises," he warned.
Love is the engine, emotion is the steering wheel
Explaining the relationship between emotion and logic with a metaphor, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Imagine a car. This automobile has an engine and a steering wheel. The steering wheel directs where to go and the engine gives energy. The engine is love. The steering wheel is emotion. The two must complement each other. Therefore, for an ideal marriage, we should say the holistic union of love and logic."
Love is not the cause but the result in marriage
Noting that marriage is a process, not a state, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said the following about marriages made according to the way they meet:
"Is love the cause or the result of marriage? There are studies. If love is the cause of marriage, that is, if the parties cannot establish a good relationship, love evaporates. If love is the result of marriage, if the parties cooperate well, but their love is not very strong at the beginning, love can emerge later. Therefore, love is not the cause of marriage, but the result. The decisions of parents are important in marriages. Today, there are Western-type marriages. The parents do not interfere at all. The child completely makes his/her own decisions. There is a risk in this too. Young people can sometimes make wrong decisions based on momentary feelings."
Marriage maturity should be analyzed when choosing a spouse
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that marriage is one of the two most important issues in human life and therefore the choice of a spouse is important. "There is a marital maturity scale used in psychiatry. This scale asks questions about four main categories. There is this scale at the end of my latest book, Family Therapy with Mevlana. There are biological, emotional, economic and social factors. For example, here the person answers questions such as 'Do I love the person I will choose as a spouse? There is a saying: 'Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half open after marriage'. Marriage is one of the two most important decisions in human life. These decisions are choosing a spouse and choosing a profession. When choosing a spouse, one should analyze one's marital maturity. If he/she gives an average or above average answer, the person is ready for marriage."
It is necessary to rewrite the life scenario after marriage
Noting that mental flexibility and harmony between couples are very important in marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said
"We all have life scenarios that we learned in childhood. Everyone has a mother, father, brother, sister. There is a life scenario that we create with these people. After marriage, a new actor enters into the life scenario. Then it is necessary to rewrite the life script according to that actor. If you say, 'Let my husband be like my father', this is not realistic. He is a different person. In such situations, one needs to have what we call mental flexibility, the ability to adapt to the new situation. One needs to empathize with one's spouse. We need to start cultures like discussion and self-criticism in the family. There is a saying that democracy starts in the family. In democracy, everyone has a say. This should be the same in the family. If we want justice in this age, the most ideal method is to ensure democracy within the family. If there is no justice in the family, there will be discord."
Financial redistribution must be fair
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that most of the problems in marriage arise from the comparison of the families of the two parties, financial problems and ego battles and said, "Problems arise largely from issues such as your family is my family, your money is my money. This causes ego wars. The most important thing here is that there is financial sharing at home. Whether this sharing is done fairly or not causes problems. In general, the woman always makes sacrifices in this sharing. In traditional cultures, the man uses money as a stick against the woman. Because he uses it in this way, the relationship breaks down."
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan reminded that girls and women are nowadays studying and having a profession and added that some men are still not ready for this situation.
