What would your reaction be if your five-year-old daughter came up to you and told you that she had seen flying men with wings and that she had been chatting with them? Probably the first thing you would think is "why is she lying?". And then... This "then" part is very important!
Children lie! This is part of the path children take as they move from developmental behaviors to learned behaviors, and there is no need to panic. Because in the lies that children tell, there is no purpose, no intent, no designed, planned situation, as in the case of adults (or as adults think). Lies are part of child development and are not really "lies".
Even if a child is caught with chocolate in his/her mouth, he/she can say "I didn't eat it" to the question "Did you eat it?".
So why do children lie? Obviously, there are many reasons, but almost none of them are the reasons adults think of. First of all, when it comes to "lying", there are more "gray" areas than "white" or "black" for us adults. Not so for children. Even if you catch them with chocolate in their hands and mouth, they may say "I didn't eat it" and expect you to believe them. Some of children's lies are encouraged by adults without even realizing it. For example, he says that he invited his imaginary friend for dinner and you say, "Let him come." From the child's point of view, there is no difference between the two. From the child's point of view, there is no difference between the two. He didn't eat the chocolate! But he has an imaginary friend and is invited to dinner! And with your approval...
Lying is really the work of adults!
Children receive mixed messages from their environment about lying. Since they are in a process where they are just learning social patterns, they witness that whatever the truth is can be "trained and twisted" because of these mixed messages. For example, when a child is given a blanket as a gift, in the presence of the giver we say, "How nice, you won't be cold in winter anymore", but when the giver walks away, we say, "It's not warm!". What we forget is this: The child has heard both! We also silence children for being honest. For example, a child tells his aunt, "My mom doesn't like your cooking, she told me so," but instead of explaining the situation to the aunt, we prefer to silence the child. We constantly tell the child that lying is bad, but in TV series we laugh at what happens to the protagonist because of lies! This gives the child the message that an "inappropriate" situation is "funny". All these are complex messages for the child and it takes time for them to understand what is right.
Perhaps the most important factor in children's lying is the environment in which they grow up, because different attitudes in this environment influence a child's tendency to lie. Almost all parents instill in their children that lying is bad, but some parents are more tolerant of lying. Studies show that parents who do not approve of lying but tell their children that lying can be done in some situations are more likely to lie. This leads to contradictions similar to the one where we encourage our children to "read books" but we never read books in the name of setting an example.
The truth is fixed, it does not change! But for children, hopefully, whatever that unpleasant reality is can be changed. Moreover, for children, until the age of seven or eight, there is a blurred line between imagination and reality. This prevents them from seeing reality in a fixed, concrete way. They think that reality can change, can be changed, if they wish, if they hope. This is why they believe in superheroes and live fairy tales. As a result, when they say "I didn't do it", their aim is not to lie, but to wish they hadn't done it. Because they think that if they say "I didn't do it" the situation will improve.
Imagination, not lies
Almost everything about the lies children tell is part of their imagination and the experiences they gain. This is because children's imaginations are active and their cognitive abilities are constantly evolving. It is also important to remember this: Anything creative or imaginative requires the suspension of reality! In addition, perhaps one of the most important benefits of being a child is pushing boundaries and seeing what they can and cannot do, often through trial and error. On the other hand, such lies by children can be annoying or frustrating for parents. The onus is on parents and adults to allow children to learn about the world and develop their social skills, and of course to "keep calm".
"Children lie because they are afraid of being punished!"
We consulted with Dr. Lecturer Başak Ayık, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Specialist, Department of Child Psychiatry, Üsküdar University NP Feneryolu Medical Center. Prof. Dr. Başak Ayık and received important information:
"The 'play child period', which corresponds to the age of 3-6, is a period when children's imagination is quite wide. Because of this feature, the play period is also known as the 'animistic period'. In this period, children can tell some made-up stories completely in accordance with their developmental period with the effect of their imagination. They may give unexpected, interesting and imaginary answers to questions. These made-up stories and conversations should not be considered as lies. Especially in play or when talking to people with whom they engage in dialog, these imaginary conversations are shaped according to the reactions of the other person in parallel with the functioning of the dialog. He wants to get attention from the other person, he wants to surprise and sometimes frighten him. He enjoys all this social interaction. Inspirations from the cartoons he watches and fairy tales he listens to, sometimes events from daily life also find a place in these imaginary conversations in different ways. Sometimes he can tell what he wants in his imagination as if it were real. In fact, this is a very healthy and expected behavior.
Lying is a completely different issue from these imaginary conversations. The person who lies gives answers that are not true in order to hide something even though they know the truth, and usually almost always for their own benefit. They mislead the other person. Although lying behavior in children is sometimes considered a behavioral disorder, a considerable number of children lie because they are afraid of the reactions of the other person or of being punished. An important point that should never be forgotten is that children always copy the behaviors they see from their parents or role models, not what they are told. For this reason, a parent who expects his/her child not to lie should first review whether he/she has lied even a little in his/her own life, how he/she sets an example for his/her child in this regard, and show his/her child to stay away from lying by modeling honesty as a behavior.
No matter how old the child is, he/she should be told that lying is not a correct behavior. Of course, if the problem is not in the child but in the behavior and attitude of the person being lied to, the important thing is to change the wrong attitude. If there are other behavioral disorders accompanying lying behavior, expert support should be sought to eliminate them."
