Gaslighting is defined as psychological manipulation of a person to the extent that they question their own sanity or reality. The individual who is subjected to gaslighting feels constantly deprived, thinks that everything he/she does is wrong and is accused of being too sensitive. Those who practice gaslighting usually aim to gain control over the person they psychologically manipulate.
The word Gaslighting is a psychological term with no exact Turkish equivalent and comes from a theater play from the 1930s. According to the script, a man turns down the light of a gas lamp every day to manipulate his wife. When she thinks the light is low and asks him about it, he responds harshly and humiliates her. In this way, he aims to make her lose confidence in herself. This is why this psychological manipulation is referred to as "Gaslighting", which is also referred to as "Psychological Torture" . This type of manipulation is usually expressed as a method of abuse by the man to the woman in emotional relationships. However, it can also be seen that women with a dominant structure are also performed against men.
The individual who performs this manipulation technique causes the other individual to suspect him/her over time with gaslighting techniques. One of the most prominent characteristics of these victims is self-doubt. These people think that they are responsible for the psychological manipulation they face, or they are forced to think this way by the other person. Therefore, after this psychological torture, victims may eventually reach the point of losing their sense of self, their sense of self-identity.
What are the Most Common Methods Used by Gaslighting Perpetrators?
Gaslighting is a rare but dangerous situation. The authoritarian person can apply it to a person who is younger than him/her. This manipulation method is most common in marriages. Apart from that, it is seen in relationships such as mother, father-child, boss-employee. Gaslighting is also seen in relationships in social environments. The individual who applies this manipulation can isolate the victim from his/her social environment and prevent him/her from meeting friends and family. Other common methods used by abusers who use this tactic are as follows;
- They do not listen, they make you feel worthless.
- They pretend not to understand what is being said.
- They resist and make them question the incident.
- They try to confuse the other party by telling the same event differently each time.
- They try to change the subject by distracting the individual.
- They exploit emotions and try to make them feel guilty.
- They hide things and when the other party cannot find them, they put them back where they were, thus causing the other party to be suspicious.
- They try to humiliate the person.
- They deny what they have done.
- They use other people as a reference for the other person to suspect them.
- They shout loudly and confuse the other person by being calm and compassionate after the accusation.
- Sometimes they praise the other person and try to make them think that they have no bad intentions.
What are Common Gaslighting Phrases?
For those who practice this manipulation, there is often an imbalance between the words spoken and the behavior. Therefore, in order to understand this manipulation in the relationship, answering questions such as; is there consistency between the sentences he/she says to you, does he/she really feel what he/she says to you, etc. will contribute. However, individuals who have been exposed to this situation for a long time cannot trust their own observations and inferences, so they have difficulty answering these questions. The gaslighting sentences that the other person often uses are as follows;
- You are too emotional or too fragile
- I knew it would be like this.
- Why are you with me if I'm no good?
- You need support, you don't look well.
- That's not what I said.
- Have some stamina.
- Don't expect everything from me or you can't do it alone.
- You've made a big deal out of this.
- I won't hurt you in any way!
- I said the words in a state of anger!
If the above-mentioned sentences sound familiar to you, if you no longer feel valuable, if you feel insecure, if you often have feelings of inadequacy and guilt, if you feel lonely, if you sense that there is a problem but you cannot find the problem, if you have difficulty making decisions, if you feel that you are dependent on the other party and if you find yourself in a position of constantly explaining things, you may be a victim of gaslighting .
Who Practices Gaslighting?
This manipulation technique is an insidious method of emotional abuse. It is especially practiced by narcissists, people with psychopathic personality disorder or pathological lying who want to keep people under control. The manipulator does this deliberately and usually in a planned manner. These individuals show their bad sides to those they victimize and their good sides to everyone else. Therefore, they can leave a very good impression around them. This leads to the fact that when the victimized person asks for help, no one believes that they are manipulating them and does not help them. Thus, the victimized person experiences a lack of self-confidence and becomes isolated. The victim, who loses self-confidence and becomes isolated, trusts his/her abuser more and his/her addiction increases.
How to Combat Gaslighting?
If you think that you are experiencing something similar to this situation in your own relationships in line with the information given above, the first step to be taken is to realize that what you are experiencing is gaslighting. The next step is to confront the reality of what you have experienced. Some victims believe that there may be healing steps that can be taken to create another chance to continue the relationship and insist on staying in the relationship and not ending it. However, staying in a relationship that leaves the individual in doubt about his or her authentic self and reality does not solve anything. Therefore, if you find it difficult to end a relationship with such problems, you can consult a mental health professional.