When people think of "infidelity", the first thing that comes to mind is sexuality, but this is not the case. According to experts, someone who attaches more importance to an object than his/her relationship also cheats on his/her spouse; someone who shares his/her thoughts with someone else more than his/her spouse... Stating that psychiatric problems such as mood disorder or depression may be at the root of infidelity, experts point out that men and women cheat at equal rates.
Psychiatry Specialist Unit Sungu Talu from Üsküdar University NPISTANBUL Hospital said that men are generally seen at the forefront in cheating, but this rate is equal between men and women.
There is also emotional infidelity
"Infidelity means not keeping a promise between two people," said Talu, "It does not have a very different meaning in marriage. When it comes to infidelity, many people, especially women, think of sexual infidelity, but there are many types of infidelity. In fact, an addicted spouse, whether it is a man or a woman, that is, a spouse who gives more importance to an object than the relationship is actually cheating. If a person shares more emotionally with someone else than his/her spouse, that is, if he/she solves his/her problems with him/her, if he/she shares his/her thoughts about the future with him/her, if he/she shares his/her very secret dreams with him/her, this is also a kind of cheating. In other words, what we understand in psychology in marriage is not only sexual infidelity, but also emotional infidelity. We understand emotional infidelity as falling in love, but it is actually much more important in terms of emotional infidelity for a person to share their privacy with someone other than their spouse, to talk to them, to tell them their dreams, to tell them their plans for the future. It seems like men are always at the forefront of infidelity, but you know that men do not cheat on women with men, they cheat on women with women. Needless to say, men and women are equal," he said.
Men are more honest
As a result of a 2004 international study, the rate of women who cheat was 45%, while this rate was 63% in men, Psychiatry Specialist Birim Sungu Talu stated that this rate is higher in men because they express the situation they are in more easily and that women are not as honest as men in this regard.
Beware of the first years of marriage!
Psychiatry Specialist Birim Sungu Talu pointed out that the most common period of problems between spouses is the first years of marriage and said, "The second and third years of marriage are usually the periods when the child joins the family. These are the periods when the spouses stop being spouses and become parents and forget that they are men and women. The emotional gaps that arise at these times, especially the woman's adoption of the role of motherhood much more, at the same time, the man's responsibilities increase with the role of fatherhood, and serious emotional gaps and emotional neglect are experienced due to these roles. Studies have shown that one of the most common periods of infidelity is the period when the child joins the family."
Oxytocin deficiency triggers the tendency to cheat
Psychiatry Specialist Birim Sungu Talu pointed out that in genetic studies, it was determined that oxytocin, known as the attachment hormone, was not at normal values in people who cheat and said, "This situation reveals that people have some kind of attachment problem biologically. Individuals cannot provide secure attachment to the other party."
Infidelity can be the antidote of a relationship
Stating that cheating should not be seen as cheating only in a relationship, Psychiatry Specialist Birim Sungu Talu said that there may be psychiatric problems underlying it. Talu said, "This can be seen as a whole psychological problem. There can be really serious problems in the relationship and cheating can be seen as the last straw. But it can often be healing for the relationship. Because for a couple who have not been able to communicate their feelings to each other until then, sometimes such a calamity can turn into a blessing. Secondly, we consider the cheater as a healthy individual, regardless of whether he or she is a man or a woman, but most of the time, in the tests we conduct on couples who come to our clinic, we see that the rate of depression in cheating individuals is much higher than the other spouse. So, for example, there may be a hidden depression. Sometimes there may be such a situation that there may really be addictions."
The cause of infidelity may be mood disorder
Pointing out that underlying sexual addictions in some people may be an impulse control problem, Talu said that this condition may be a mood disorder:
The person does not realize it and neither does his/her environment. The person is energetic, cheerful, likes to take a lot of risks, spends a lot of money from time to time, talks a lot, is sleep deprived; but those around them say, "Oh, what an energetic person." However, this person may be suffering from a mood disorder, and for this reason, the search for novelty may increase periodically, there may be an increase in sexual desire, and accordingly, they may enter into some extramarital relationships. So we need to look at the whole here."
Objective opinion should be sought
Birim Sungu Talu stated that one should not make a decision immediately when faced with the problem of infidelity and said, "A psychologist, maybe a psychiatrist first, should be consulted for help and an objective opinion because the person experiencing this may also have a biological disorder. This needs to be identified and then a plan needs to be made. The most common thing we encounter in our clinical observation is that bringing up this situation frequently during the therapy process or after such a thing has happened, that is, bringing it up again and again, such as "You did this to me, you made me go through this", actually undermines the relationship in the repair-repair phase again."
Controlling spouses causes estrangement
Explaining that when they look at the personality structure in cheating, they see individuals who cannot express their own emotions much, who live within themselves and choose to express their emotions in the form of outbursts of anger or emotional outbursts, Psychiatry Specialist Birim Sungu Talu said that individuals in this emotional state are like adolescents and gave the following warnings:
"The more you control an adolescent, the more they slip out of your hands. This is also true for spouses. Controlling does not help in this sense, on the contrary, it causes distancing. Closeness and caring is one thing, controlling is another. Then what happens to you? For example, let's imagine that your phone is being controlled. The other person becomes like a parent, right? Is it possible to establish a man-woman relationship with that person again? The authority becomes like a parent and we call this 'transference'. Let's say if your father is controlling you, in your mind you have some kind of relationship with that person as if they were your father. These are not things that we are aware of, but whatever you react to your father in your adolescence, you will do the same to your partner. So it is impossible to control in this way. Not the spouse, not the child, not any human being."