The feeling of jealousy seen in children with the addition of a new baby to the family, although natural, causes problems in the development of the child if it is not managed well.
Expert Clinical Psychologist Esma Uygun says that the fear of losing maternal love lies at the root of jealousy and recommends that especially mothers should remain "neutral" in cases of jealousy.
Clinical Psychologist Esma Uygun from Üsküdar University NP Feneryolu Polyclinic states that the fear of losing maternal love is at the root of sibling jealousy and says that the mother's behavior is decisive here. Pointing out that it is of great importance for mothers to inform and prepare the first child before the second child is born, Uygun says, "Families often say this at the last minute, they need to have these conversations beforehand."
GUILT REINFORCES JEALOUSY
Explaining that the mother also experiences great anxiety in sibling jealousy, Uygun states that children realize this and become more anxious and gives the following advice:
"The things that mothers say to reduce their anxiety make children more anxious. For this reason, it is very important for mothers to remain neutral in cases of jealousy. Especially children under the age of 5 understand all the feelings and concerns of the mother from her facial expression and behavior. If the mother is worried that the child will harm his/her sibling, this will spread to the child and create a sense of guilt. This reinforces the feeling of jealousy. Therefore, the mother should be very calm."
JEALOUSY SHOULD BE MANAGED WELL
Underlining that good management of jealousy, which is a natural emotion, is of vital importance in the development of the child, Uygun explains the fear of loss underlying the feeling of jealousy as follows:
"When a new sibling comes home, this can be considered the beginning of the fight for the throne. Along with the fear of losing what they have, the child also experiences the fear of losing the perception that they are special and important. Until the age of 12, children think that their mother will not love them or will love them less because of their sibling. After the age of 12, a more accurate reasoning takes place. If the mother can manage this process well, this is an important gain for children."
GIVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS
Stating that parents should allow children to solve their problems by discussing them, Uygun said, "Children will experience these and similar problems in real life. Families should turn a blind eye to minor jealousies and observe them solve the problem. Children should be given the opportunity. However, adults should intervene when the problem reaches a point where it cannot be solved."
TIME DEVOTED TO THE NEWBORN EMOTIONALLY INJURES THE ADULT!
Explaining that parents naturally have to pay more attention to the newborn baby, Uygun explains the balance that needs to be established here in the following words:
"If the first child has been accustomed to too much attention, the trauma caused by the new sibling may be greater. While spending time with the newborn, the older child should not be emotionally neglected and quality time should be spent with him/her. Even 20 minutes is very effective if quality time is spent."
NEVER USE THE WORD JEALOUSY
Esma Uygun emphasizes the importance of parents allowing the child to reflect and express his/her feelings towards his/her sibling and gives the following advice on this subject:
"The child may pinch his/her 6-month-old sibling, this is natural. In this case, the child should not be told about his/her personality such as "you are naughty". Instead, words such as "You are angry with your brother, I understand that, I see that you are upset right now" should be said to him, allowing him to reflect and express his feelings. However, the word jealousy should never be used. Also, while talking, one should get down to his/her eye level. These will help the child to relax."
DO NOT BREAK THE ROUTINE
Stating that it is also very important not to break the old routines when a new baby arrives, Uygun says, "For example, if you read a book together before going to sleep, giving up on this will traumatize the child. The routine should never be disrupted."
DO NOT SEND THE CHILD TO KINDERGARTEN IMMEDIATELY BEFORE AND AFTER
Stating that children over 3 years of age should be placed in environments where they will be with their peers, such as daycare centers, Uygun warns parents not to coincide this with the birth of a new baby shortly before or after. Esma Uygun says, "If you do this, the child will think that he/she is being kicked out of the house and sent away."
DO NOT ENTRUST THE SIBLING!
Suggesting that the child should be asked for a little help in caring for the new baby, Uygun says, "You were like this when you were little. Look, you have grown up, you can eat your own food on your own. He will grow up and be able to do the same as you" and giving feedback by showing photos of when he was little.
COMPARISON REINFORCES JEALOUSY!
Expert Clinical Psychologist Esma Uygun says that parents reinforce sibling jealousy without realizing it and says, "One of these is comparison and this negative reinforcement leads to competition. However, every child is different and special. Parents should ensure that their children's individual characteristics are reinforced."
BUY GIFTS FOR THE ELDEST TOO
Uygun says that the behavior of not only the parents but also everyone around the child affects the emotions experienced by the first child. Pointing out that while buying a gift for the newborn baby, jokes such as "You're out of luck" to the other child increase anxiety in the child, Uygun suggests, "While buying a gift for the newborn baby, the other child should not be forgotten."